Better Days

I know I may not be the prettiest.

Or the smartest.

Or the strongest.

Or the tallest.

Most emotionally stable at any given time.

Or mentally for that matter.

Most forgiving.

Least annoying.

Or depressive.

Or least Cynical.

But to those of you who stuck around and stuck by me this year despite everything. Thank you, and I love you. And please know that I would do anything for you.

And when I say that I do mean it. 

Have many resolutions but right now I wish for better days. Much better days, not just for me but for everyone else as well. 

Love,

Tsuixx

16.12.12

Went to a Basilica today. Feel the need to write this down on my phone before I upload it on my computer.

It was a very wonderful and spiritual experience. Walking through church grounds that have stood through two hundred years is just spectacular and awe inspiring.

I would admit to having lapsed this year. My faith has taken a major road block since June and I don't think I ever recovered. Despite doing my best to go to mass and maintaining a daily prayer life I think I fell very short. My interaction with my community members also dwindled, because of my unenthusiastic attitude to meeting them and my desire not to associate with some people there. I also struggle very much to remain cordial but I find such actions tiring so after a while I stop the game. I would rather avoid someone else entirely than pretend to maintain the illusion of togetherness.

I found myself quite lost these past few months. If i've ever had a running trend of topic these past few months its probably how despondent and dissociated I have felt. How nothing right now feels right or stable and how I absolutely don't like that.

When I knelt down to pray and to the moment I said the last syllable for the Gloria I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and that a great burden has been removed. A weight had been lifted so to speak. I for the life of me have not been moved to tears since I last watched Lord of the Rings. Which ie was about a good month ago? and in church about eight months ago? during the Stations of the Cross.

The crying helped to alleviate some of the hurt and the wounds that I've felt this year. The prayer helped to lull my mind into the sense that everything will be alright in the end.

I found myself uttering words I wouldn't normally, how I would let God in his infinite wisdom, take the wheel and decide for me where I would go. Be it Stevensons or Webb or ever remaining in Singapore. The choice is his and he will decide if I am fit.

Being out here in the semi-wilderness ( I say semi because there still wifi and that's any indication of civilisation) has made me feel infinitely smaller than my 1.5 meters. And definitely more humbled and more thankful for everything. I mean, great things happen when you let the one up there do his work. And I'm writing to y'all to share my experience right? :)

XxTsuiii

California 2012, Part 1

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - 

myth is more potent than history - 

dreams are more powerful than facts - 

hope always triumphs over experience - 

laughter is the cure for grief - 

love is stronger than death”

~Robert Fulghum

Currently in Los Angeles, California for my annual family holiday right now. Weather is fantastic, food is quite decent, people are sightly wonderful and family relatives are so warm and lovely. Haven't really been taking many photos lately and I probably should :/ I'll probably be busting out the camera in Monterey and San Fransisco, so I should have some photos to share here.

Went for the interview with the Webb schools today and I would say it went pretty well. But I am keeping my fingers crossed and prayers up, you never know if you can bet on these things at all.

Have a hefty road trip up to Monterey tomorrow and I probably should get some shut eye soon. I have another pretty long blog post that I'll probably post up when I get wifi in the hotel tomorrow :)

Hope you all are having a good holiday!

xxTsui

Desperation

Haven't blogged in quite a while :(

The year is coming to a close and I'm not sure how I feel about that honestly. 2013 is coming in less than 2 months and I don't think I'm ready for it...

I debated against putting up a very angsty rant-y post, because didn't seem very fair to the people around me who were there. And I was focusing on the negativity instead of looking at the good I had in life. Sorry to anyone who's had to hear my rants on my qualms against humanity, I know I can get pretty negative.

I really want to blog about my OSL to Cebu and my recent trip to Hong Kong but the words I have in my head just get stuck in a jumbled-tumbled mess and knowing my own INFP perfectionist nature I tend to read and reread all of my posts before I ever post anything to make sure I'm coherent or if anything really makes sense. If not I just scrap the whole post all-together and this almost always applies to my writing and or art making.

(Which I am very sad to say I have lost much inspiration for the latter)

More often than not I find myself struggling to keep up and prove that I can do something for once. Or at least be able to move on to places that can appreciate and or see that I may have some talent in what I do. It always sucks to be the one in the family that everyone just gives the patronizing stare or glassy-eyed look when you tell them you want to spend your life writing. To them it's probably just preposterous, writers just pale in comparison to doctors, lawyers, bankers and businessmen. You can't be successful in life whilst being a writer, unless you're J.K Rowling, then you're amazing.

I guess to me it's not about being successful in life. It's about doing something with my life that I will be satisfied with. What's the point in me being something and doing something I really do not care for and love. I'd rather devote my life to doing something that I love, despite the set backs financially, than not at all.

Maybe that's just me being incredibly Idealistic.

Remember Remember November

I meant to blog about my last day of school, but due to some unforeseen turn of events lead me to a 2 day trip to Hong Kong and I forgot about this entry entirely.

This year, to sum it up hasn't been great, but it hasn't been all too horrible either.

For starters I got into an amazing class B2.

They've been nothing short of an inspiration to me for the past year. Fun, energetic, spontaneous, supportive and nothing short of awesome. I owe you guys, you made Year 4 not suck so bad for me :)

I spent the last day of school with Amelia and Ethan, interesting mix, I've never been out with them together at once so it was fun. Had a really late lunch at Itacho Sushi and chilled at Starbucks to talk for an hour before heading to Kino for some books :)

Got home on time, changed and went for All Soul's day Mass at St Teresa's church. Cried like crap for a really long time because I've finally made up my mind to leave Singapore and go apply for the schools in USA. Not guaranteed I'll get in, but its the thought that I'm probably making the biggest decision of my life. Aunt Christine supports me, so do my cousins Nicholas and Stephanie. The parents are behind me for everything and so is Andrew. Still feel really upset though, like there are a lot of things I haven't resolved yet...

Had a short but important chat with Ms Mels after the she handed out the report-books. I haven't seen so much red swathed in there before and it was taking a lot for me to hold myself together. She told me to go for it and if my gut and God said yes I should take the plunge. I should.

"The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you"- Bob Harris, 'Lost In Translation'

November has always been one of my favourite months, its up there with December, October, June and February. Here's a tentative list of things I'm doing this month:

• Nation Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) - probably going to abandon my novel halfway cause I have way to much to deal with but meh its worth a shot.
• Reading everything and anything I can get my hands on.
• Going to make playlists and probably spend my afternoons with them.
• Draw/ get back into art- realised I really let my love for art slide this year because of people and teachers and school. Really shouldn't let that happen anymore. 
• Write- most likely working on poetry and short stories and maybe a full novel. We'll see. I've got such big dreams for someone so small. 
• Eat
• Sleep
• Meet up with old friends and hang out with people I haven't seen in a while.

I certainly hope I get this. I've never wanted anything more than getting into Stevensons or Vivian Webb since SOTA. 

Hope all of you are well.

xxTsui

Outtakes

Outtakes from the Faerie Photoshoot I had with Selma, Weiqi, Ethan and Kai Sing :) 

Thank you so much guys for agreeing to trek into a forest and take photos of me and with me. Selma and Kai Sing who were wonderful models and endured me being a dictator, Weiqi who came despite being unwell to help with the photo-taking and makeup. And last but not least to Ethan, the man behind the cam, who agreed to let me use his high-tech dSLR and his photog skills to snap photos and me telling him where to take things and to endure getting rashes and insect bites. 

I love you guys so much, thank you for everything. You don't know how much this means to me. And although none of us won. I'm really glad we got to spend time chatting and taking photos and I'm really happy you guys got to embrace your inner Fey :)

xxTsui

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Just watched the above movie with Gwen today :) really glad I got to meet her and talk to her, I need to hang out with her more.

 Feel like an angsty post so heck, I'm just going to go with it.

I honestly did not really like the book (Perks) that much, to me it was quite simplistic and I didn't really understand the hype (read the first chapter and found it hard to believe the narrator was in AP English, but that's just me). Added to the fact that the book and the quotes are incredibly over-used by people who try very hard to be 'cool' just irked me even more (the ones where Charlie talks about being 'infinite', which is actually quite profound, sad to say that the beauty of the line is dissolved because of the people who overuse and spring that quote EVERYWHERE). One, because they claim it is a fantastic piece of literature and two, the book serves no purpose than to be a stepping stone for their attainment of 'hipster-dom' and 'indie-ness'.

I think the movie, however, was incredibly well done. Logan Lerman was amazing and so was Ezra Miller. Emma Watson was okay, personally I felt that her character was quite the stock-type so there wasn't much challenge for her to pull of. The cinematography was brilliant and so was the editing. The tasteful music was also a plus point.

I cried at the end of the movie and during certain scenes (and I was probably the only person to cry in the whole cinema), not because I was moved to tears by a certain development in the plot, but because of how I related to everything that was happening throughout the whole movie. Probably because I've always felt like I never truly fit in anywhere and my long-standing obsession with writing and literature of any kind and form. I relate to Charlie, I guess, because I tend to go through those weird periods of time feeling incredibly lonely and awkward in most social interactions and events it's just quite sad. And I guess it's really easy for me to relate to someone who just sits and watches everything and just bottles it in, probably because I spend a lot of time doing that.

Thought about the film and my churning emotions and thoughts all the way home. Cried on the bus ride back and had awkward stares in my direction the entire time. Been thinking a lot lately, not really ready for anything coming my way. Still deciding what I want to do for next year and whether I really want to stay or I really want to go. I sound so much like an emotional mess, but funny because that's what best describes my current emotional and mental state.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else out there feels the same way I do. Or if they feel like how Charlie or I feel sometimes when things happen.

Guess I'll never know.

Tsui

Paths

Where do I go from here?

"Should I choose the smoothest course? Steady as the beating drum? Is all my dreaming at an end? Or do you stil wait for me dreamgiver, just around the river bend? 

At a cross-road of my life again, like I always seem to be. The problem is I hate having options and choices to make more decisions. I'm incredibly indecisive and I jump back and forth between decisions weighing the pros and cons till the time for deciding ultimately passes me by. Is it safe to say that I maybe making the most rash and impulsive decision of my life that may have many implications in the future? I don't know

All I know is, I don't know where my path may lead me and take me. And I honestly couldn't be more excited to see what's in store for me. I just don't know if I'll be doing my journey alone from now on. 

Got back my results this week, never cried so much over grades in such a long time. Told my parents and all they told me was they weren't upset with the grades I got, but more that they couldn't do anything to help. And despite what I was awarded, I am their daughter and nothing will ever change that. Then my dad asked me if I wanted to leave SOTA and go to a prep school in California. To him it seems like a good idea; my relatives are there, weather in there is milder than anywhere else, the school is endorsed by a good and trusted friend of his who's kids got into NYU (New York University) and UCL (University College London), which are incidentally both schools my mom wants me or my brother to get into. Seems like a very good plan, other than the fact that its thousands of kilometers away, in the United States of America, from Sunny Singapore and from my family and my friends that I love really dearly. 

I don't want to leave really, but if I stand a better chance going over and getting into a good university I would take it. 

I know I sound silly, a sixteen year old tearing her hair out over admissions criteria and doing a good job by getting into a prestigious University like her parents did before her. We all have dreams right? And for now this is mine. Getting into a good University to do Literature or Creative writing is of paramount importance to me. Getting there seems to be the challenge.

Should I stick to the safer option? Stay in Singapore and finish the IB that I've devoted 4 years of my life to? Or should I pick the more 'dangerous' one? Go to a prep-school in California and live apart from my family and friends for years, even if it means I'll get a better education. 

I don't know.

I hate making decisions. 

P.S. Hi Ching Yi if you're reading this :) 

Vanilla Sky

Blogging from the dining room and sipping some hot green tea because dad finally fixed up the wi-fi down here and I don't have to be such a recluse in my room anymore :)

Exam week pixels:

Comfort food my dad, le brother and I indulged in and my ootd :)

Thinking of using Macrame and knot making for IB next year

Dinner and ootd

Studied with Ching Yi and Clancy :D

Lunch I had with my momma :)

Saybons for lunch and the angry cat I always encounter on my way to tuition

Harry Potter Exhibition and shopping with Selma after the Math paper

I love this sweater from topshop :D

Studying with the girls~ super productive as always :)

Shopping with Ching Yi after studying, really liked the top I was wearing but its way to big for me... :(

the moon during the mid-autumn festival and nat after the bio paper haha

Laksa and studying Chem with Gwen :)

 Christmas looking pants mom bought from China and seashells she picked from the beach, the conch was bought by one of her students and then given to me as a present o_o plus my new pencil and eraser that have made writing and note making so much better over the exam period.

Things are winding down now that exams are over. Spent the past week being a vegetable and waking up at 2 pm as well as heading out to class parties and spending time with lots of people I really missed hanging out with. I got back into reading again which is good, slowly getting back into doing art and figuring out what I want to do with my IB art years, which is also good. Started reading IB textbooks and doing math again which is good if you think jumping ahead is what's going to 'give me the edge' next year like my parents do then ok. Started to get back into writing, not really sure how I feel about that, other than the fact that I want to change sketchbook/journal and go back to my thick papered moleskines. Brown paper is really lovely though... Decisions decisions decisions. 

Might take a nap because I woke up super early today to do some math but its going to be dinner time soon and I wonder where my family wants to go tonight. I hope its somewhere near an art shop or a bookstore :)

I'll probably update more frequently now :) school's pretty much over and the holidays are up! 

xx Tsui