Musings 1

The extended Youth Day weekend is coming to and end :( I've had such a lovely weekend that it almost seems strange and surreal. I managed to get a lot of work done, while enjoying myself over the weekend which was a big shocker to me. I get very unmotivated and lazy quite often when I get complacent -very bad habit that I need to kick- but I managed to cut down a lot on my procrastination and at least get work done :) for which I am very grateful and strangely perplexed. Because I've not been like this before and its strange.

Some part of me wonders where this is really coming from, I may not have a definite and exact answer, but I know that I am slowly changing and discovering myself again. I'm not going back to the way I was before but I think I'm moving on from that. I'm becoming more of 'myself' in a sense? Like I'm realising the potential within myself and I'm working towards that 'self'.

If you ask me what is at the end of that tunnel or that 'self' that I want to realise. I wouldn't be able to answer you quite frankly. Because I don't have a definite of what I am in a worldly sense. I do know that I am Child of God, with a vocation to Love and this is my dream of which I will act on in enthusiasm and faith

And for that I look towards that my future and for the things that may come my way. I pray that I would have the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept those that I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. 

May everyone have a blessed week! :)

xxTsui

Desert Song

First week of Semester 2 is over! Honestly I'm feeling very apprehensive about Term 3 and 4 :( with my pretty decent bordering on bad Semester 1, I guess I'm more determined to make the rest of the year good :) 

I'm very grateful for the one month break and GPS trip. It was a very lovely opportunity to reconnect with myself and provided me with a lot of healing that reaffirmed my identity, faith, hope and love. Normally I would be very drained after a week of school and extremely unmotivated to do work. But surprisingly I was really energetic and awake throughout the week, plus I  got a lot of work done and finished my holiday homework! -late but at least I got it done~- So for that I say praise the Lord! For He is my victory and He is here! 

-Desert Song by Hillsong is my current jam-

After a pretty bad spiritual dry-spell I'm very grateful I've had the opportunity to be reaffirmed in the faith :) this song spoke to me because in many ways I could relate to the prayer in it, and I wish to share this song and its prayer with all of you :) 

I am also very grateful to whoever I've been walking with last month and this week :) I pray for us to continue to journey with one another and for us to never loose faith in Him. I am grateful for the countless blessings he has gifted me, and for each and every one of you that he has gifted me, I say thank you and I love you :) 

Now tiny me has to go hunt for food and prep for Chinese tuition! 

Have a great weekend :) 

XxTsui

GPS CEBU 2013

 Tap Tap Barangay<3

 

Zandra's Barangays

 Photo Credits to Lloyd<3 

The Arts Camp Video~

Wow, just wow.

Been back from Cebu for about 4 days and I've only gotten around to writing a post about my experience about now. I'm just very grateful for my experience there and for the activities and projects I got to be a part of. I've learnt a lot of things during GPS, about poverty and money, about family ties, friendships and bonds, about my teammates and about myself. I'm very thankful for a lot of things that went our way during the trip, for the kids that turned up during our arts camp, for the food that was cooked for us everyday by Atte Nora and Kuya Alberto, for the weather during our mural painting days, for the bonds that we formed with the kids and the members of the Barangay. Most of all I'm very thankful for my team, all 18 members including Mr Ong and Ms Darrell



Thank you guys for making GPS one of the most memorable and the most meaningful trip I've had in SOTA :) We had our spats and our disagreements but I think we all turned out right in the end and we managed to work really really well together and we bonded so much in 13 days. You guys are the most inspiring, hard-working, driven, committed, fun and creative people that I've had the privilege of working with and I couldn't have asked for a better GPS team to journey with :) <3

xxTsui

BRB

Be right back: flying off to Cebu for GPS in less than 8(?! i think) hours and I can't really sleep. Been so pumped for Cebu, I can't believe its really happening. But it is, and I think I should sleep soon :(

Today has been pretty good, but I don't have time to post a detailed entry :( will get right on that when I'm back!

-the brother is back from Tekong too-

Be safe ok? This goes to Nat, Gwen, Ching Yi, Sing, Ethan, Amelia, Chaice and everyone else. Hope all your GPSes are successful!!

xxTsui

Ho Hum Ho Hey

Just sitting at home relaxing with a lit Peach Bellini candle, some hot tea a stack of books, fully charged Mac, an open journal and lovely music.

Been so stressed up lately with school, grades, exams, performing well and meeting expectations my health took a pretty scary turn for the worse for the past few days. I can't remember a time when my throat didn't feel like sandpaper or when my nose wasn't clogged up when I open my eyes in the morning.

Honestly exam week has been the most stressful week I've ever had yet the week where I got the most sleep (?! make sense, don't worry it doesn't to me either) I would get up at 6, even on days when I didn't have a paper, keep my brain awake and active with reading and writing or on actual exam days sitting for the paper, chill out for a while before studying my butt off somewhere. Then I'd head home at about 6-8, eat something and crash at 9-10 till 6, wake up and do it all over again. That's like 9-10 hours of sleep in total, but like I wake up with the worst eyebags and the crappiest aches ever. Ugh.

My papers have been okay so far I guess, worried like crazy for HL History and Literature. Not that much for SL Chinese and I've given up completely on passing for Chemistry lolol. Chemistry was so bad I think it's a given collective we are all going to fail... Have to redeem myself with Math next week then I'm free to like do the things I've wanted to do since like the March Holidays? :)

Can't wait to get reading and finish the stack of books I have on my reading list. I currently have like what, 8 on my reading list, minus the ones I have yet to get started on? Also I can't wait for GPS Cebu ^^v and maybe even New Zealand at the end of the year! :) -crossing my fingers- -it would be my dream come true to go back to New Zealand again- Have a lot of things that I'm looking forward to this year and I can't wait.

Also, I attended the King's College University talk that was meant to pitch us the idea of studying at Kings. I'm honestly quite interested in hopefully studying there, the place majors in English Literature like what what?? The ladies that came down to talk to us were really nice about it and from what they said I'm quite keen on applying. Heh. Gwen was right, King's really sounds like a school for me ^^

Can't wait to be free and catch up with the people I've been missing out on :(

-I also want the June hols to come like now-

Okay enough whining from me, hope everyone has been having a better week than I've been having lols/~

Tsui

On Kayaking and Rivers

Just got back from the Year 5 Leadership Expedition trip to Endau Rompin!

Love my team and all the people in it. I think we all learnt a lot, not only about kayaking down rivers, but about ourselves and each other. There were a lot of things I learnt from this trip, to be patient when the people around you are frustrating you, to learn that sometimes its okay to feel uncomfortable but you can't let that affect you, to be tactful and mindful of the situation and circumstances around you and also that perseverance will take you very far. 

But one thing I took away from this trip was a metaphor that I thought up on the bus ride home. 

Life is strangely like a flowing river.

The river is constantly changing and flowing, its one way for some and another way for others. There isn't a hard and fast way or tactic to conquer a river, it depends on luck, timing, judgement and gut-instincts. 

A lot like life really.

We all go through life, and like the river, its going to be different for all of us. Sometimes, the current of life is going to push us along and help us paddle to reach our goals and destinations. Sometimes its not going to be that kind, it'll be so still that it seems like the river is stagnant and we have to work harder to get there. Other times the river have seemingly insurmountable rapids that makes you balk at its measure. 

I realized that I've been struggling with my own set of rapids recently. The endless torrent of schoolwork, deadlines, emotional commitments and stupid feelings that ruin everything. If it's anything that I've learnt that can be applied to real life in Endau, it's that when you hit a rapid, you can paddle left and right but there is one thing you should never do if you don't want to capsize and possibly endanger your life: You can't stop paddling. 

I've wanted to give up and throw in the towel for IB for the past term. It would be easier and its sorely tempting to just give up and sink back into the state I was in and just be swept away. Or change course and to some extent river entirely because life is getting tough.

But I can't give up now, what's infront is only going to get harder and harder, no matter which 'river' I choose. Plus I can't afford anymore 'capsizes' because its really easy to just be swept away and be lost in the torrent of negativity. 

Finally found it in myself to start being more proactive and knowing that I can do this. I can finish the IB and it's a lot more comforting to know I won't be in it alone and I'll have my family, my friends and my teachers around to support me too :) 

"For all rivers eventually flow to the sea, for that is the goal of all bodies of water." 

Go Rompinhoods! 

Tsui

Overseas Service Learning: Cebu

All image credits to Lloyd Koh

Found this post on Cebu which had no words but just images and felt very nostalgic and suddenly sentimental. I wanted to do a write up on it but it doesn't seem very necessary right now. Very glad I'm going back there this May and can't wait to begin GPS with the Cebu Team :)

Tsui

Reasons

"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again"

Sigh, where to begin, where to start.

I would like to be positive and happy about where I stand, but truth be told I'm not. I don't like being tired all the time, having a perpetual short fuse and being emotionally apathetic to keep myself from breaking down.

Sometimes I think blocking things out will help, that if I close myself off to my emotions and feelings things will be okay and they will eventually pass. I'm trying to channel that whole Zen Buddhism thing, where you let feelings go instead of letting them fester inside you and consume you into a pit of unhappiness.

I refuse to be that sort of person and let that happen to me again.

But, lately I feel I am slipping into that negative state of mind, these sort of questions and thoughts pop up all the time in my mind:

"Are they secretly judging me?" 

"Why should I bother anyway? Not like anyone will appreciate my efforts."

" What am I even doing?"

"Why do I try so hard?"

Or something along the lines of just being negative and second-guessing everything and everyone. I dislike that cautious front I get nowadays, that I watch myself when I say things and to whom I say them to. I'm letting my past hurts and wounds fester up. Old insecurities come back and my guard is up again. I've tried to hard to cover it up, mask it so that I pretend that it's okay and that I'm fine. But what happens to wounds that don't air out or time to breathe? They begin to rot. They decay slowly and infect the whole limb, before taking and consuming your being.

I need to stop this infection before it consumes me like it did before.

It's easy though, and vastly tempting to fall into a state of ever-consuming bitterness and join the ranks of self-reveling misery.

But, I wish for different things now.

I've been stuck in ruts before, I believe we all have been in that position where we feel lost and we hold onto the pain and hurt because we don't know what else to feel because we've been holding onto it for so long. That we hold onto our pain despite knowing it's poison because we're scared to try something else lest it be poison too.

I don't want to be dependent on my misery to fuel me forward, because from my experience it won't. It'll be like quick-sand and drag you deep into its dark, earthly embrace and shatter your body as well as your soul, if you let it. Only, if you let it.

There will always be pain, there will always be hurt, there will always be misunderstandings, there will always be bruises, there will always be tears and there will always be fear.

But at the same time there will be comfort for the pain, there will be relief for the hurt, there will be joy, there will be hope, there will be grace and most importantly there will always be love.

:)

xxTsui

p.s. in other news, the brother just got back his results and I couldn't be more proud of him :')

Time to Work Harder

Hello hello~

Promised myself I'd get back into the habit of blogging again. Been procrastinating too much these past two months. I promised myself that despite everything, I would still work hard in school, how wrong could I be on that account.

School's been okay. Okay, scratch that it's been a roller coaster of insurmountable pressure. It's like what Augustus says to Hazel in the Fault in Our Stars: "I'm in a roller coaster that's only going up."

That's how I currently feel at the moment, with IB making me feel like I'm just going to drop any minute now with no warning whatsoever.

I'm actually glad I kept going back to school despite applying elsewhere. I'm glad I kept up the rhythm of working and getting stressed. It made me rethink my options and re-evaluate where I stand. It's not hard honestly and I hate to sound like a coward but the truth is: I really am scared.

Scared of a lot of things. If someone's going to ask me what I'm afraid of I'd probably say:

It scares me to the point that my mind balks at its measure, sometimes I try not to think about it so much but it's hard when the people around you are. My brother Andrew just got back his results, he's going to join SAF and then go onto University. Emma's left for the US and is trying to get into NYU and people around me are just going places and I'm just scared to move. Too scared to move.

 I know I told my parents I would try to adapt over there if I got in. I assured them that I wouldn't be so bothered not having family and friends beside me. But it's hard, in all honesty. Having the recent Chinese New Year celebrations and my friends with me to celebrate my birthday made me rethink how much I really need people in my life to support me. It's funny, because half my internal lamentations is just me wanting to just rant to someone about everything, but I catch myself because one: I tend to be really melodramatic and negative when disillusioned and two: I shouldn't impose myself and my feelings on other people just cause I feel like it. If I can deal with it without involving other people I tend to do that, but I find I tend to bottle things up a lot too so IDK man.

Now that I'm staying, I gotta:

 

 Thank you to Nat, Gwen, Amelia, Ching Yi, Sing, Ethan and Diego for dealing with my rants and breakdowns for the past two weeks. I can't thank you enough for honestly dealing with moods and self-induced situations. 

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Remember Remember November

I meant to blog about my last day of school, but due to some unforeseen turn of events lead me to a 2 day trip to Hong Kong and I forgot about this entry entirely.

This year, to sum it up hasn't been great, but it hasn't been all too horrible either.

For starters I got into an amazing class B2.

They've been nothing short of an inspiration to me for the past year. Fun, energetic, spontaneous, supportive and nothing short of awesome. I owe you guys, you made Year 4 not suck so bad for me :)

I spent the last day of school with Amelia and Ethan, interesting mix, I've never been out with them together at once so it was fun. Had a really late lunch at Itacho Sushi and chilled at Starbucks to talk for an hour before heading to Kino for some books :)

Got home on time, changed and went for All Soul's day Mass at St Teresa's church. Cried like crap for a really long time because I've finally made up my mind to leave Singapore and go apply for the schools in USA. Not guaranteed I'll get in, but its the thought that I'm probably making the biggest decision of my life. Aunt Christine supports me, so do my cousins Nicholas and Stephanie. The parents are behind me for everything and so is Andrew. Still feel really upset though, like there are a lot of things I haven't resolved yet...

Had a short but important chat with Ms Mels after the she handed out the report-books. I haven't seen so much red swathed in there before and it was taking a lot for me to hold myself together. She told me to go for it and if my gut and God said yes I should take the plunge. I should.

"The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you"- Bob Harris, 'Lost In Translation'

November has always been one of my favourite months, its up there with December, October, June and February. Here's a tentative list of things I'm doing this month:

• Nation Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) - probably going to abandon my novel halfway cause I have way to much to deal with but meh its worth a shot.
• Reading everything and anything I can get my hands on.
• Going to make playlists and probably spend my afternoons with them.
• Draw/ get back into art- realised I really let my love for art slide this year because of people and teachers and school. Really shouldn't let that happen anymore. 
• Write- most likely working on poetry and short stories and maybe a full novel. We'll see. I've got such big dreams for someone so small. 
• Eat
• Sleep
• Meet up with old friends and hang out with people I haven't seen in a while.

I certainly hope I get this. I've never wanted anything more than getting into Stevensons or Vivian Webb since SOTA. 

Hope all of you are well.

xxTsui

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Just watched the above movie with Gwen today :) really glad I got to meet her and talk to her, I need to hang out with her more.

 Feel like an angsty post so heck, I'm just going to go with it.

I honestly did not really like the book (Perks) that much, to me it was quite simplistic and I didn't really understand the hype (read the first chapter and found it hard to believe the narrator was in AP English, but that's just me). Added to the fact that the book and the quotes are incredibly over-used by people who try very hard to be 'cool' just irked me even more (the ones where Charlie talks about being 'infinite', which is actually quite profound, sad to say that the beauty of the line is dissolved because of the people who overuse and spring that quote EVERYWHERE). One, because they claim it is a fantastic piece of literature and two, the book serves no purpose than to be a stepping stone for their attainment of 'hipster-dom' and 'indie-ness'.

I think the movie, however, was incredibly well done. Logan Lerman was amazing and so was Ezra Miller. Emma Watson was okay, personally I felt that her character was quite the stock-type so there wasn't much challenge for her to pull of. The cinematography was brilliant and so was the editing. The tasteful music was also a plus point.

I cried at the end of the movie and during certain scenes (and I was probably the only person to cry in the whole cinema), not because I was moved to tears by a certain development in the plot, but because of how I related to everything that was happening throughout the whole movie. Probably because I've always felt like I never truly fit in anywhere and my long-standing obsession with writing and literature of any kind and form. I relate to Charlie, I guess, because I tend to go through those weird periods of time feeling incredibly lonely and awkward in most social interactions and events it's just quite sad. And I guess it's really easy for me to relate to someone who just sits and watches everything and just bottles it in, probably because I spend a lot of time doing that.

Thought about the film and my churning emotions and thoughts all the way home. Cried on the bus ride back and had awkward stares in my direction the entire time. Been thinking a lot lately, not really ready for anything coming my way. Still deciding what I want to do for next year and whether I really want to stay or I really want to go. I sound so much like an emotional mess, but funny because that's what best describes my current emotional and mental state.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else out there feels the same way I do. Or if they feel like how Charlie or I feel sometimes when things happen.

Guess I'll never know.

Tsui

Paths

Where do I go from here?

"Should I choose the smoothest course? Steady as the beating drum? Is all my dreaming at an end? Or do you stil wait for me dreamgiver, just around the river bend? 

At a cross-road of my life again, like I always seem to be. The problem is I hate having options and choices to make more decisions. I'm incredibly indecisive and I jump back and forth between decisions weighing the pros and cons till the time for deciding ultimately passes me by. Is it safe to say that I maybe making the most rash and impulsive decision of my life that may have many implications in the future? I don't know

All I know is, I don't know where my path may lead me and take me. And I honestly couldn't be more excited to see what's in store for me. I just don't know if I'll be doing my journey alone from now on. 

Got back my results this week, never cried so much over grades in such a long time. Told my parents and all they told me was they weren't upset with the grades I got, but more that they couldn't do anything to help. And despite what I was awarded, I am their daughter and nothing will ever change that. Then my dad asked me if I wanted to leave SOTA and go to a prep school in California. To him it seems like a good idea; my relatives are there, weather in there is milder than anywhere else, the school is endorsed by a good and trusted friend of his who's kids got into NYU (New York University) and UCL (University College London), which are incidentally both schools my mom wants me or my brother to get into. Seems like a very good plan, other than the fact that its thousands of kilometers away, in the United States of America, from Sunny Singapore and from my family and my friends that I love really dearly. 

I don't want to leave really, but if I stand a better chance going over and getting into a good university I would take it. 

I know I sound silly, a sixteen year old tearing her hair out over admissions criteria and doing a good job by getting into a prestigious University like her parents did before her. We all have dreams right? And for now this is mine. Getting into a good University to do Literature or Creative writing is of paramount importance to me. Getting there seems to be the challenge.

Should I stick to the safer option? Stay in Singapore and finish the IB that I've devoted 4 years of my life to? Or should I pick the more 'dangerous' one? Go to a prep-school in California and live apart from my family and friends for years, even if it means I'll get a better education. 

I don't know.

I hate making decisions. 

P.S. Hi Ching Yi if you're reading this :) 

B2 2012

dedicating a post to you guys because well <3

My day of exams:

Shopping with the girls at H&M and this really beautiful statue that I just had to snap 

              

Deskbud #2 Mila :)

Zhiyi and I trying on heels at F21 

Selma :)

             

Kai and Enzo

Shots from the class party that consisted for pizza, chicken wings, dance central, yoga, spinning around till we all got dizzy, taboo, planking and just chilling under lights and listening to the xx

Waving goodbye~

Our 'modeling' photos ft. Rob Pat

My time with B2 has been nothing short of amazing. The only reason why Year 4 didn't suck so much for me this year despite everything was because of this class. Absolutely fun, noisy and rowdy but also the most warm-hearted, willing to share and most helpful class I've ever been in. Best class ever, that I can admit. <3 you guys! 

xx Tsui