Time to Work Harder

Hello hello~

Promised myself I'd get back into the habit of blogging again. Been procrastinating too much these past two months. I promised myself that despite everything, I would still work hard in school, how wrong could I be on that account.

School's been okay. Okay, scratch that it's been a roller coaster of insurmountable pressure. It's like what Augustus says to Hazel in the Fault in Our Stars: "I'm in a roller coaster that's only going up."

That's how I currently feel at the moment, with IB making me feel like I'm just going to drop any minute now with no warning whatsoever.

I'm actually glad I kept going back to school despite applying elsewhere. I'm glad I kept up the rhythm of working and getting stressed. It made me rethink my options and re-evaluate where I stand. It's not hard honestly and I hate to sound like a coward but the truth is: I really am scared.

Scared of a lot of things. If someone's going to ask me what I'm afraid of I'd probably say:

It scares me to the point that my mind balks at its measure, sometimes I try not to think about it so much but it's hard when the people around you are. My brother Andrew just got back his results, he's going to join SAF and then go onto University. Emma's left for the US and is trying to get into NYU and people around me are just going places and I'm just scared to move. Too scared to move.

 I know I told my parents I would try to adapt over there if I got in. I assured them that I wouldn't be so bothered not having family and friends beside me. But it's hard, in all honesty. Having the recent Chinese New Year celebrations and my friends with me to celebrate my birthday made me rethink how much I really need people in my life to support me. It's funny, because half my internal lamentations is just me wanting to just rant to someone about everything, but I catch myself because one: I tend to be really melodramatic and negative when disillusioned and two: I shouldn't impose myself and my feelings on other people just cause I feel like it. If I can deal with it without involving other people I tend to do that, but I find I tend to bottle things up a lot too so IDK man.

Now that I'm staying, I gotta:

 

 Thank you to Nat, Gwen, Amelia, Ching Yi, Sing, Ethan and Diego for dealing with my rants and breakdowns for the past two weeks. I can't thank you enough for honestly dealing with moods and self-induced situations. 

Hope y'all have a great weekend!