Reasons

"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again"

Sigh, where to begin, where to start.

I would like to be positive and happy about where I stand, but truth be told I'm not. I don't like being tired all the time, having a perpetual short fuse and being emotionally apathetic to keep myself from breaking down.

Sometimes I think blocking things out will help, that if I close myself off to my emotions and feelings things will be okay and they will eventually pass. I'm trying to channel that whole Zen Buddhism thing, where you let feelings go instead of letting them fester inside you and consume you into a pit of unhappiness.

I refuse to be that sort of person and let that happen to me again.

But, lately I feel I am slipping into that negative state of mind, these sort of questions and thoughts pop up all the time in my mind:

"Are they secretly judging me?" 

"Why should I bother anyway? Not like anyone will appreciate my efforts."

" What am I even doing?"

"Why do I try so hard?"

Or something along the lines of just being negative and second-guessing everything and everyone. I dislike that cautious front I get nowadays, that I watch myself when I say things and to whom I say them to. I'm letting my past hurts and wounds fester up. Old insecurities come back and my guard is up again. I've tried to hard to cover it up, mask it so that I pretend that it's okay and that I'm fine. But what happens to wounds that don't air out or time to breathe? They begin to rot. They decay slowly and infect the whole limb, before taking and consuming your being.

I need to stop this infection before it consumes me like it did before.

It's easy though, and vastly tempting to fall into a state of ever-consuming bitterness and join the ranks of self-reveling misery.

But, I wish for different things now.

I've been stuck in ruts before, I believe we all have been in that position where we feel lost and we hold onto the pain and hurt because we don't know what else to feel because we've been holding onto it for so long. That we hold onto our pain despite knowing it's poison because we're scared to try something else lest it be poison too.

I don't want to be dependent on my misery to fuel me forward, because from my experience it won't. It'll be like quick-sand and drag you deep into its dark, earthly embrace and shatter your body as well as your soul, if you let it. Only, if you let it.

There will always be pain, there will always be hurt, there will always be misunderstandings, there will always be bruises, there will always be tears and there will always be fear.

But at the same time there will be comfort for the pain, there will be relief for the hurt, there will be joy, there will be hope, there will be grace and most importantly there will always be love.

:)

xxTsui

p.s. in other news, the brother just got back his results and I couldn't be more proud of him :')